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Male here, 27. Really grateful for this thread, because it's something i'd really like to talk about. Long incoming:
My reason for liking /ss/ and really liking /sm/ is simple, even though it really sucks
I was sexually abused by my older sister, starting when I was maybe 3 or 4. I'm not sure when it stopped, but probably by 6 or 7
It fucked me up for real; I wish it hadn't but that's just the way it is.
/sm/ comes into the picture because I had a lot of sexual experiences with mainly one other boy my age when from 11-14, and I discovered shota porn sometime during that timeframe. Obviously, it was amazing to me then that i could see porn that featured *me* instead of an adult, so that type of porn made sense as the most exciting thing possible. But, as i got older, i kept looking at it as i aged way past that point.
Real sex was fine for a while, but like a lot of abuse victims, it got more difficult as trauma stuff started to sink in. I had two longish relationships in high school, but after that, my sex drive started to drop off a lot and my porn use went up. It definitely got worse after a man raped me in my sleep in college, which is not surprising. eventually i stopped wanting to have sex at all and it became the sort of thing where i hooked up with about 1 person a year for the rest of college, and now i haven't had sex since a tinder date i went on in 2018. it's not something i really desire anymore, so that's kinda difficult
I think the shota stuff filled up more and more of the picture as time went on because I really was having terrible feelings about sex in the present, and when i look at shota i'm really trying to put myself back in the days when sex was exciting and novel and innocent, which is one of the only things that feels hot to me. Ironically, i was yearning for the days of what i thought were my "first" sexual experiences, until i eventually learned that i was actually abused and forced into sexual experience many years before that (didn't know that until I was like 21).
I'm doing a lot better now; been in therapy for years and definitely tried to talk to people about the shota thing in any helpful capacity, but it wasn't until i found a therapist who actually specialized in sexual trauma that I got fucking anything out of it (a lot of wasted time and money before that). I joined an incest survivor support group two years ago which was a lifeline; probably would be dead without them
back to shota though, i have been trying to get sober from porn and especially shotacon over the last 2 years. That's been KEY to me recovering actually a fair amount with my mental health, and sexual health as well. There's literally no way i could've gotten as much better as i did without some space away from porn fucking with my head and wrapping me back up in a trauma blanket. I've had some fairly long sober periods, a few that lasted 4 or 5 months, but i've relapsed a couple times, especially in high stress situations. I just moved, and that's turning out to be one. yesterday was the first time in 2021, so i feel a lot of guilt and shame, and now i'm on this board where someone made a blessing of a thread where i can actually talk about what's going on
if anyone read this far, cool, thank you for listening. if not,
TL;DR: older sister abused me when i was 3 or 4, had a long and bumpy sexual history after, found shota at a young age and stuck with it for many years. had some times i didn't look at it though, and that's been good for me