Nobody fucking uses this board, I'm literally shouting into the void now. But who cares, you have to choose to read this.

I wish I could still feel the emotions I used to feel everyday, but that me is gone. I have no confidence and no motivation. I yearn. I yearn for love and for purpose, yet I find nothing. Why should I love? My friends belittle me, and say I am nothing. Yet I know I'm am something, someone.

I hate having sex. I had sex with one person, many times, then I left her for no reason. I regret giving up my purity to someone I grew to dislike, It makes me feel like less of a man. I wish I was pure, I wish I was pure again. She bounced back instantly, I forever regretted my choice to give myself to someone.

I really don't want to be reduced to a sex object anymore, yet the people I'm surrounded by only care about sex. I hate sex I hate sex workers I hate hookup culture I hate porn I hate it all.

This is the worst part. Before any of this.

I knew a girl who was just like me, except she did exactly what I wanted to do. I would literally think of something in my head and she would do exactly what I was thinking. She was funny and eccentric. She was everything I ever wanted in someone, and she liked me for who I was. And I was still an idiot fucking retard, I didn't have the courage to ask her if she really liked me, a year later she comes out as trans. And I honestly don't care if he/she is trans I love her for the person she is. I never asked her anything. And I never talked to her again.

If I could go back in time I would tell her everything I felt, everything. How her hair was a little too long, how her eyes glow in the sun, how her hoodie sleeves always had holes in them because she liked to poke holes in them, how her laughter made my day better and how every second I was around her made life bearable.
But it's over now I'm just trapped here waiting for my chance.
This is all true, every word of it. And I hate myself every day for being a disgrace to myself.

You may be wondering why I didn't pursue her after the trans thing, well I made alot of friends and they would have disowned me, I knew them all my life yet I would trade them in a second for a chance.

Other than that, there is so much more to say.
Alcoholic *redacted* threw all of my belongings away when I graduated high school, so I left home and lived alone working at dead end jobs that I hate. I worked with pedophiles and rapists because that's who you have to work with when you live in a backwoods shithole town, I don't talk to anyone I went to school with and I don't have dreams when I sleep anymore.

This has been very cathartic, if you read all this thank you. Hopefully soon I'll find meaning in life.

Why would some shit you did back when you were a kid like that effect your success now? That doesn't make any sense.

>>25979
They would see me as mentally unfit, it's not fair to me as I've grown as a person an changed. It's like seeing a prisoner with tattoos interviewing for a job as a door to door salesman.

>>25980
Age numbers are not maturity points and people don't ever fully change.
Self harm is the least scandalous thing. In fact if anything people will praise you for it for "coming out stronger".

>>25977
Wouldacoulda shoulda is pure copium. I wish people would stop condemning their younger selves for missing out on uncertain prospects.

It's probably best you didn't ask out your precious friend because romance is like an unstable electromagnetic field.

>I really don't want to be reduced to a sex object anymore, yet the people I'm surrounded by only care about sex. I hate sex I hate sex workers I hate hookup culture I hate porn I hate it all.

I understand you but at the same time, I'm leery of you because:

>I wish I could still feel the emotions I used to feel everyday, but that me is gone. I have no confidence and no motivation. I yearn. I yearn for love and for purpose, yet I find nothing. Why should I love? My friends belittle me, and say I am nothing. Yet I know I'm am something, someone.
>I hate having sex. I had sex with one person, many times, then I left her for no reason. I regret giving up my purity to someone I grew to dislike, It makes me feel like less of a man. I wish I was pure, I wish I was pure again. She bounced back instantly, I forever regretted my choice to give myself to someone.

People like you seem to think romance is supposed to be exactly as Disney movies describe it.
You would be the type to end up as a reactionary whose so high on their own moral superiority that you fall victim to depravity.

You sound like you're emulating some angsty existential horror character.

>>25982
>People like you seem to think romance is supposed to be exactly as Disney movies describe it.

Big assumption on your part here. I don't believe anything of that sort.

It's kind of a lose/lose situation because if I hadn't gave into the social pressure I wouldn't be in this state of mind. Yet if I never gave in I would stil be in that weird mindset of "I wish I had a gf ooh I'm such a loser" that I've seen alot of people fall into and never break out of.
It's a paradox, the mindset you have say, 5 years ago, is completely different than the one you have now. So if I never did that what would I be thinking about now? What would change about me?
What if this what if that, it really doesn't matter yet it consumes my thoughts every night. "What if some stupid thing I did in the past effects my future, even if it hasn't yet." The only reason nothing has effected my life in a major way, is because I keep it all to myself, and it's horrible.
And I will NOT talk to a psychologist or a therapist. Because client patient confidentiality isn't real, and any diagnosis will mark you as mentally unfit.
(I have no problem with people who do go to them though)

>high on their own moral superiority
I have no reason to believe im better than anyone. I do think im more reasonable than most people.
Idk I guess time will tell.

>>25981
>Self harm is the least scandalous thing. In fact if anything people will praise you for it for "coming out stronger".
Ah, but for me it would be an extremely scandalous thing. That's why I can't let it be revealed, it would ruin everything. After that I would be ostracized instead of forgiven, I know this from experience.

>It's probably best you didn't ask out your precious friend because romance is like an unstable electromagnetic field.
Didn't plan on it, I just regret not taking the chance I had.

>>25982
>You sound like you're emulating some angsty existential horror character.
Think what you want, I'm just typing how I feel.