/grim/ - Cold, Grim & Miserable

Life. Eeyore 19/11/08(Fri)03:29 No. 6266 ID: 2cb6e3

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>Spend childhood getting bullied, but otherwise pretty normal upbringing
>taught to treat people with decency and respect, even if they don't treat you the same way
>battery of IQ tests reveals genius intelligence
>have some serious issues come up in mid-childhood, various diagnoses of mental disorders ranging from ADHD to Rapidcycling bipolar disorder to learning disabilities
>pretty sure I was just bored and couldn't learn things from reading about them, have to be actively engaged and made to care about it.
>constant social issues growing up cause me to throw myself into books, history, and computers
>social issues include trusting people too easily and being taken advantage of, not getting along with authority figures, getting bullied and getting into fights, generally being socially ostracized
>grow up a massive fucking nerd
>develop severe depression around age 8 which involves sometimes cutting my hand to feel anything but misery
>hide it
>get into musical counterculture at 15 years of age...punk, thrash metal, goth, electro, industrial, psychobilly, I love it all
>tons of ideas on what I want to do with myself...make videogames, be a writer, make music, be an architect, just want to put something out into the world that I can care about
>constantly told by family and the few girlfriends I've had "That's unrealistic, you need to pick something else."
>school marks suffer significantly, largely because I just can't keep track of things and most of the subjects I just don't care about since nobody's giving me an actual reason to learn shit other than "you need this credit to pass"
>never pursue dreams
>finally decide to pursue video game design dreams by signing up for programming courses at local community college
>go through very messy breakup
>friends abandon me when I need them most
>go through course but fail half of the classes
>drop out
>attempt and fail suicide
>listless NEET for the next couple years
>date someone who encourages my dreams for once and encourages me to be the best me I can.
>she has to move away for a variety of complicated reasons, not the least of which is my family hates her
>spotty contact for the next couple years while she gets her own shit in order
>move out of home
>end up in another relationship and end long-distance relationship with previous girlfriend
>friends abandon me...again.
>move in with new girlfriend, she needs to be taken care of quite a bit, and I'm glad to be there for her and have her love, she supports me as much as she can.
>series of medical and mental problems, dead end jobs, several complete breakdowns
>diagnosed with chronic migraines, severe depression, chronic anxiety
>now in my 30s, having spent half my adult life unemployed, and in the worst shape of my life with no real willpower to fix it
>Every job I've had for the last 7 years has lasted less than 6 months
>now trying to get manufacturing jobs but can't seem to get anyone to even interview me
>last job I had was almost 7 months at a small cafe with increasingly infrequent shifts
>migraines keep me from maintaining a proper work schedule
>migraines and depression mean I can't do military service, which honestly I think I would enjoy the ritual and discipline of
>depression has resulted in the apartment being a mess
>can't pursue any of my hobbies because I need a workshop space
>debating picking up on some of the dreams I had when I was younger

If it wasn't for my girlfriend, I'd just kill myself and be done with it. I hate everything and everyone, I want nothing to do with society. I don't know why she puts up with my shit. I know damn well that I'm a bum, but for some reason she loves me anyways.